Holding On
by Jane Doe
Summary: He had no idea the sudden urge was the want turning into a need.--G/S


Holding On 

By Jane Doe 

Disclaimer: This is where I say that I don't own CSI. Well I don't, no big surprise. 

Summary: He had no idea the sudden urge was the _want_ turning into a _need_. 

A/N: A drabble; a dabble took exactly 44 min to write so don't expect anything special. There is more ice cream involved just b/c I have a craving lately ; ) This takes place at the end of season one so it's an old one. 

Feedback: Whatever and whenever it suits you, but I sure do enjoy it. Thanks! 

______ 

Grissom was apprehensive. He just spent four wonderful days with Sara Sidle. It was all he could think about. Granted it was a work related seminar that brought them together for those four days, but that didn't matter. He enjoyed seeing Sara a little more carefree and during off hours. It was almost like the first time they met. Since she came to work with his team nine months ago, he really didn't have time to be anything but her boss. It didn't take long to figure out that talking about their latest forensic find over donuts and coffee at three a.m. in the morning was exactly what he was missing. 

She sat in the passenger seat of the Tahoe in her normal outfit of jeans and a navy blue shirt, but to him she was gorgeous. After so many years of little contact, she was just as beautiful as he remembered and just as intelligent. He was surprised by all the feelings that arose by their time outside of the office. Even the first time he heard her voice, he felt something again but pushed pass them. He thought he put them behind him long ago and was trying desperately to settle for being her supervisor. But since her start at CSI: Las Vegas he was only further stunned by her ability as an investigator and her personality. 

They had, not a rough start, but an unexpected one. She was still as stubborn as a mule but it was fueled by something it never saw before, compassion. She was like a flat character in a Shakespearean play, then suddenly became round as her part in the play became important to the plot. He was strict with the code of conduct towards cases but Sara disregarded all of it and let her emotions take hold of her. He didn't know how to handle her when that happened and that scared him. Sara was a lot deeper than he knew initially. For Gil Grissom this was frightening territory. It was scary because he realized he trusted her and considered her very dear to him, but he really didn't know her at all. He knew that meant something. You don't share a small past and know little about each other, yet trust each other indefinitely. It was that unfounded trust in another person that scared him, but he didn't necessarily regret. He sighed as he stole a glance at her. 

Sara ran a finger along the dusty edge of the window sill as the hot dry air beat her pink face. Her head swam with thoughts despite her exhaustion. In four days, they managed to try seven different forensic instruments and run through ten simulations on their proper use. The rest of the time was note taking and vending machine food. It was nonstop the entire time. When it finally concluded she and Grissom were worn out. Simply worn out. What really tugged at her brain was the memory of connecting with Grissom again. It wasn't just over a case, it was outside of the lab; outside of the supervisor/insubordinate role play. Spending time with him made her smile. It was a great four days. She was happy for the first time since she left San Francisco. 

"Your face is getting sunburnt." 

She turned. "Huh?" 

"Your face is pink with sunburn." 

She flipped down the mirror and removed her oval sunglasses. "That's what I get for having fair skin." 

"Here." With one hand on the wheel, the other groped in the back seat for his small duffel bag. He pulled it up onto his lap and removed sunscreen. "Put that on." 

She took it from his hand. He watched her apply the sunscreen to her soft skin. She rubbed it in and closed the cap. 

"Thanks." 

"No problem." He deposited it in his bag then threw it back on the rear seat. 

Sara watched the man driving. He had a special way to his driving. Surprisingly he was a very relaxed driver. She thought he would be cautious and in control. She didn't doubt that he was completely in control of the car, she just found his entire posture as ease. One arm propped outside the window basking in the sun's glow and the other barely held the stirring wheel at the lower right corner. He also leaned back and stared off at the scenery. For what seemed to Sara like minutes he would watch the side scenery and ignore the road. Yet no matter where his eyes were they remained in the middle of the road. It fascinated her. Grissom fascinated her. 

"Find something interesting Sara?" 

She shook her head losing train of thought. "What?" 

"You've been staring at me for the passed few minutes. Did you find something interesting?" 

"Actually I was thinking about the way you drive." She sat back and left him hanging. A slow smile spread across her lips when he finally took the bait. 

"What's wrong with the way I drive?" 

"Nothing Gris. I was just observing you. Is that okay?" She asked sweetly. 

His left eyebrow made an appearance over his rectangular sunglasses. "Am I on National Geographic?" 

She snickered. "Am I holding a camera?" 

"Your head is a camera." He smiled back. "So come on tell me what's wrong with my driving? Do I make you uncomfortable?" 

"No. You are just so relaxed." 

"I have seen you drive and so are you." He pointed out. 

"Yeah but it surprises me." 

"Why?" 

"Well you're the opposite in your approach to life." 

"Is that a theory Miss Sidle?" 

"Maybe." Her gap made an appearance. 

"It's not very scientific." He pointed out. 

"Science is not an exact science. There is always an exception to the rule Grissom." She left it at that and turned away from him. He directed his thoughts back to the road resisting the urge to smile. 

The car grew quiet again. Sara shifted in her seat but the movement didn't alleviate the numbness. Despite the comfort of the silence she leaned forward and placed a hand on the radio. "You want some music?" 

He shrugged. "That is up to you." 

She pushed the various buttons but found nothing of interest and shut it off. In a tired huff she slumped back in the seat. 

"Are you bored Sara?" Grissom teased. 

She glowered at him but it faded to a sarcastic smile. "Of course not. Is it my turn to drive yet?" 

He chuckled. "No I am too relaxed to let you drive." 

She scowled at him and he just smiled. She hung her arm out the window and let the updraft of wing sustain it in midair. Grissom stole glances at the weary traveler. "I think when we get back you deserve a few days off." 

"Once I sleep a few solid hours, I won't need days off." She replied still staring across the flat desert. 

He shook his head. He was reminded of the seminar and her exasperated look when they had to run another simulation even though she could do it with her eyes closed. He had never seen her so tired before. He was sorry she had to work on her days off to be with him, but she was best suited for the seminar. Actually she was the first person to come to his mind when the seminar became mandatory. He didn't even give it a second thought that she might have other plans on her days off. He just wanted time alone with her. 

"Hey Sara?" 

"Yeah Grissom?" 

He paused. "Thanks for coming with me to this seminar. I know you were supposed to have a Friday and Saturday off, so I was pleased to have you join me." 

She turned slightly. "Grissom it's no big deal." 

"I hated to pull you away from time off." He knew that she didn't relax too often and hated to take any time away from her, even if he had the best time in a long time. 

"Grissom it's okay. It was a good four days." 

He nodded in agreement then again directed his attention back to the highway. He drove through the heat. The sky was a perfect shade of blue that only existed just before summer took its hold. The car succumbed to a comfortable silence once again. The only sound was the wind whipping through the car. Finally after several long antagonizing hours of alternate driving they reached Vegas, the City of Lights by night fall. 

When he looked over to Sara she had dozed off. It was hard to believe such a rambunctious woman was so peaceful in her sleep. He store several glances as he drove through the traffic. Then as if it were destiny a billboard caught his eye as he sat at the last red light before turning to go to CSI headquarters. He glanced at Sara and then at the billboard. He slowly made the detour with a smile on his face. 

______ 

Sara stood fully alert from the nap she had in the car and stunned by the sight before her. "Grissom what are we doing here?" 

"You didn't believe me when I told you about my diversion did you?" He sipped his cold drink. 

She scowled at him and that told him everything he wanted to know. "So what are we doing here?" 

"Most people come to ride." 

Sara turned back to the large metal structure. "I haven't been on a roller coaster since I was a little girl." 

Grissom had to smile. Her reaction was exactly as he predicted. He wanted to share a part of himself to thank her; to reach out for her the only way he knew how. However, some might argue that he just didn't want the trip to end. 

She turned to face him. "I don't know about this Gris." 

"Don't you like roller coasters?" He asked semi-aware of the answer. The way she reacted to it told him enough but had to hear it from her. He actually found it funny. 

"When I was little." She hissed. 

"How could you not love a roller coaster?" 

She raised an eyebrow. "Sorry I don't share your passion." 

"That's a first." He scoffed. Without thinking he grabbed her hand. "Come on Sara I don't do this often with other people." In fact, Warrick was the only other one that he took for a ride. This was different though, this was Sara. She was special. 

"Gee nice to know I am just another person." Sara said finally. 

He looked back. "That's not what I meant." 

She pulled back when the roller coaster took a nose dive and its passengers screamed in excitement. "I'll hold the drinks." She said gesturing towards her cup. 

He couldn't believe she was hesitant about this. "Sara, come on you'll like it." 

"How do you know what I like?" 

"Call it a solid observation of character." 

She soon gave in and followed him to the small line. The sun was now setting slowly over the city and the lights began to speckle the scenery. It distracted her for a moment or two but her nervousness reappeared as they approached the gate with every unloading and reloading of the ride. _"Why are they even open this late?" She wondered. "Because you don't want to do this." She answered herself._

__"Almost there." Grissom said from behind her. 

Her feet got antsy and she began to talk rapidly. "You know I really like them, I love them actually, but..." 

"But you hate the way it makes your stomach feel." He finished glancing at her. 

"It's like your..." 

"Falling endlessly into the starry night." He recited poetically. 

She frowned at him. "I get this fluttering in my stomach and I can't catch my breath." 

"It's like everything falls away." He shrugged inching her towards the ride as his hands slid along the rails allowing no escape. He drummed his hands on the rail. They were next. He reached for her hand when she tried to step out of line. Her hand burned into his and it took all his energy to resist gauging her reaction to the contact. Yet he was strangely relaxed. Nothing would be expected after this. He was safe to be himself and there was no pressure on either party. It was just a ride with a friend. It was perfect. 

Sara watched him. His last words rang in her ears as his hand sent a surge of electricity through her body. "It's the way you make me feel." She whispered. 

"What?!" He didn't hear over the noise of the screeching cart as it came to a stop and the gates opened to give access to the ride. 

"Nothing!" She yelled back. 

"Come on." He pulled her into the ride. 

"You had to pick the first car." Sara muttered settling in. She tried to ignore Grissom's thigh pressed against her own. 

He grinned. "It's the best seat with the best view. It's the only car I ride in." 

She rolled her eyes and locked the shoulder harness. She immediately closed her eyes hard when it began to strain up the first hill. With every click of the chain she closed them tighter. She wouldn't even be here if it were for the invitation. Damn Grissom. 

He watched her patiently. "Sara open your eyes. You are missing the view." 

She peeked at his command, but gave way to city. It truly was a wonderful view. The entire Las Vegas Strip could be seen as well as a tiny stretch of desert beyond it. Tiny homes lit by soft porch lights popped up as the car climbed higher and higher. Sara got lost in the view. Vegas had its wonders, that she could not deny. 

When the long caterpillar groaned and whined as it reached its zenith, Sara was broken from her trance. She made a desperate grab for Grissom's hand on his knee. He jerked in surprise then let the euphoria take over when they plunged down and upside down. Sara screamed and yelled while Grissom closed his eyes on the world letting every other sense come alive. Her hand tightened and released then tightened again with the quick jerks and loops. He realized that every nerve ending was concentrating on that point of contact. To his dismay the train came to a stop and he forced open his eyes. 

"That was amazing!" Sara screamed like a child that rode one for the first time. She looked over to her companion. "Grissom wasn't that great?!" 

"Yeah." He smiled warmly at her excited stated and kept her hand his willing captive. The car slowly allowed the passengers an exit from its incarceration of fun forcing Grissom to let go of her hot sweaty hand. The cold air on his palm made him feel lonely. 

Sara couldn't stop laughing and smiling even when they were on the catwalk leaving the ride. It was amazing in every sense of the word. She couldn't do it everyday but it was something she could do once a year, especially if it was with Grissom. She turned to him noticing his calm demeanor. "Grissom how can you be so calm?" 

"I don't have to be jumping up and down to be happy Sara." He explained cocking his head to the side. 

"You don't even seem phased though. If it wasn't for your hair I would say that you never rode the coaster with me." She pointed. "Look everyone coming off those rides are laughing and smiling. You just stand there with a glassy look in your eyes." 

He shrugged his shoulders. "I feel complete. I am sorry I do not fill your idea of happiness." 

"I didn't mean that." She frowned. "Wait. Roller coaster makes you feel complete?" 

"No you do." He could not stop the words. 

"What?!" She screamed over a baby crying wanting to go home to it's warm crib. 

His smile flipped upside down. "Nothing. How about some desert? Ice cream?" 

"Okay I think my stomach can handle it as long as we don't go again." 

"Deal." 

Together they managed to cool down with a banana split and a short walk lit by only the moon and occasional park lights. Before they knew it, the park was closing. They found refuge on the hood of the Tahoe to finish their ice cream. 

"So do you think they will mind that we are a little late?" Sara asked watching the drones of people exit the park. 

"We deserved it." His eyes found her form beside him. Sara slid off the hood and threw her trash away. Grissom looked at his dish then at Sara. It was a large banana split. "You're done already." 

She blushed and was grateful that he couldn't see her so clearly. "I was hungry." 

"Doesn't your head hurt?" 

"No." 

"Brain freeze doesn't effect the lovely Sara Sidle?" 

She stood stunned. Lovely? She dismissed the thought. "It's not one of my weaknesses." 

"Must be all those years at Harvard enduring the cold weather." 

She climbed up beside him and smiled. "That was fun." 

"What?" 

"College. I miss it. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to continue my graduate studies. They offered me a scholarship for the next four years you know." 

He stopped. "They did?" 

She nodded. "Yup." 

"What changed your mind?" 

"You." She rocked into his arm. "That was some seminar Dr. Grissom." 

He shared a tiny smile then felt himself slipping under her charm. He distracted himself by throwing away his trash. She watched him closely. "Hey Grissom?" 

"Yeah Sara." 

"Why did you bring me here?" 

He frowned in confusion. "I wanted to thank you for your good work." 

"I mean to Vegas." She said looking at the ground. 

He froze. Suddenly this wasn't as carefree as he expected. "Sara I..." 

"When you called I was so excited to be working with you again. Even if it was for one case." She didn't hold back. She said it without hesitating to tell him what that call did to her. She paused a moment before continuing. "Then you asked me to stay. Why?" 

"Um...well I needed the extra hand." 

"I know that's what you tell other people but I want the truth." 

Her frankness surprised him or maybe the question surprised him or maybe the answer surprised him. Maybe it was all three. "That is the truth Sara." He choked out trying to remain in control. 

She chuckled. "Grissom there were at least five CSI's waiting to be picked up by someone like you. Two of which had a few years of experience." 

Grissom watched her and felt uncomfortable. He stood quiet searching for the right words to tell her. She watched him waiting for an answer only making it more tense. 

"Never mind." She said jumping down. 

Grissom stumbled towards her. "No! I mean if you want to know..." 

"Grissom it's not that big a deal. I was just curious. No big deal." She forced a tight smile and kicked the dirt with her boot. "Are you ready to go?" 

"Sara..." He paused to gain strength. "Sara I asked you to stay because I wanted you to stay. I wanted you here with me, working with me." 

"Grissom I told you it doesn't matter." 

"You don't ask questions that do not matter." 

It is was quiet except for the occasion horn signaling a good-bye between friends separated by the closing amusement park. They locked onto each other's eyes. 

"So you wanted me to stay." She offered into the silence. 

He took a deep breath. "Yes. I _wanted_ you here." It was true. His action to bring her to Vegas was pure selfishness. He needed to see her, but he wanted to have her with him. He had no idea it would give rise to so many old feelings or something he would have to suppress. He just wanted her. It was selfish. 

She nodded and began to walk towards the car door. "Okay." 

He stared after her. That is it? Well now he was curious why she would ask such a question. "Hey Sara?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Did you want to stay?" 

Her smile was beautiful as it started slowly then spread with momentum. "Of course." 

He breathed a sigh of relief and crawled into the car. "So do you want the AC on?" 

"Nah. It's a nice night." She said buckling herself in. 

"It's a perfect night." He said watching her. "You ready?" 

"Yeah." 

He smiled for just a brief moment, but she caught it. "What?" She asked playfully. 

"Nothing." 

She raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He started the Tahoe and began to ease out of the parking lot leaving behind the best ride he ever had in his life. He glanced over at Sara suddenly deep in thought again. She was here because he wanted her to stay and she wanted to stay. He felt a sudden urge to hold on to Sara Sidle as long as he could and never let her go. He had no idea the sudden urge was the _want_ turning into a _need_. 

End 


End file.
